Growing – (Written 4th August, 2013)
Baby King is here !! I got a new nephew and a new niece in the same week. Nixy Poo was born just a few days ago! How exciting is that?! I’m so happy.Though my babies are worlds apart, they have so much in common. I already love them both so much. I’m tearing up with joy and loneliness at the same time. If that makes any sense.
I really should try to spend more time with the people who I consider family. Maybe that’ll make my tough times a little easier. It’s definitely something I have to work on. Growing up, it was always me on my own. I love my friends, but isolating myself from people has always been easier. I think certain experiences will do that to a person. I can’t say I’ve ever had a family member (blood related) who I was able to confide in. And the ones I would have liked to get close to pretty much fucked me over.
Anyway, I’ve been watching this new show “Orange is the New Black”. And I love it. Every time I watch it, I recall a piece of my past. Not the part about being in jail. I’ve never been to jail. I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks about my mom lately. Remembering how she’d always say ” you can’t do anything right”. Funny, I could smell her perfume as I wrote this line. It’s weird, because my grandmother compared my ability to do house work to my cousin’s perfect execution countless times. Though I never said anything , it really bothered me. I always wished I could scream “fuck off” during those times, but of course I would probably end up with a broken jaw . I look back now that I’m older and think to myself, maybe that was their way of trying to teach me. I mean, it may have not been the right way, but it may have been the only way they knew. It worked though. When I got to a certain point I wasn’t going to allow anyone to tell me I couldn’t do anything right. Maybe that’s why I have small traits of OCD now, (self diagnosed of course) and yes I am some what anal about a lot of shit….Ok, I’m very anal about certain things.
I always thought it was unfair. A lot of things I had to learn on my own, or rather remember, after being shown once. My mom was a single parent, so she was always at work, which left me home alone. Eventually I mastered everything. I had bigger things to worry about though. Being brave was on the top of my list. I often spent many nights home alone when my mother was at work.Yep. I was staying home alone from 8 years old. It was my decision though. I no longer enjoyed staying over at the neighbor’s house. It was too tumultuous. There was constant fighting, arguing, and bickering. It unsettled my young soul. Even at such a young age i knew it wasn’t healthy.
I was really brave back then. I wish I had half that courage now that I did then, or perhaps it was my innocence. I was never scared of being alone, or playing by myself, but now I am. The feeling is overwhelming, and I’m not use to it.