Defeated ?
04/24/2015

My mind has been a constant battle field for the past few months. Every time I feel like I’ve made it through one hurdle, I get hit by another land mine.

My strength keeps wavering, my understanding is not as understanding, my passion is as dim as a 20 watt light bulb, and my focus , I don’t even know how to describe. I try to talk up and motivate myself, but towards what? It feels like there is so much in front me, but all in an impossible rubix cube.

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I’m not sure if God is playing musical chairs with me or if I’m the one who’s not paying attention. I told him to guide me, but I’m not so sure I’ve been a good follower and listener. Are the other things he places in front of me merely to test my focus, or are they actual opportunities? And even though they might be opportunities, are they for me? See, I get really excited when I see them dangle in front me, but then after days of thought and consideration, I conclude that it would only lead me back to square one.

Not having the passion one used to have really does take it’s toll, when facing a trying time. I find myself in a ball of confusion, mangled and tangled like a fly in a black widow’s web a lot lately. And even worse, are all the other crazy things happening around me adding to the trap. From people plotting against me because they don’t want to see me prosper, to trying to figure out why, to relationship blow ups which seem to have no resolve in sight.

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And then there’s my strength which I once thought was undying. But lately, I don’t feel so strong. I don’t feel so brave. I don’t deal with things the best way I taught myself to. The frustration and aggravation and confusion and negativity is eating at my soul. I’m usually able to rally back and forth like Serena till I break a cycle and win the point. But I don’t feel like a winner. I feel like I keep losing points.

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My spirit is low, so is my energy, my emotions are sore, my mental strength is not what I know it to be. I don’t know this person living inside me.